The day after the night before....

I hate having a plan, having every intention of sticking to that plan, then someone else ruining it. If I ruin it, that's fine, and it would probably just be down to procrastination.....But when it's out of your hands....It's even more frustrating!

Yesterday, I stopped blogging so that I could go to the gym....Plus Ms S was irritating me, so it seemed wise to get myself out of the situation.

The gym was alright....Definitely glad I went although I didn't have my contact lenses in, which normally isn't a problem as I generally just stick the Ipod in and ignore everyone. However there were definitely lesbians in there yesterday and I couldn't look without squinting and that would have made me look weird...Shame.

I feel really drained this morning....Last night was a really hard night...More rows with Ms S, resulting in me kicking a box of wine bottles and seriously bruising my big toe. I'm going to try the gym again soon so I'll see how it is.
I'm in the lodgers old room now, or as I like to call it, the cupboard. I don't really know how I feel about it....Obviously sad is gonna be the general idea, but regretful is probably more on the mark. I was thinking about when we first met, and how things were, how I felt. I didn't even realise when it all started to change....It just did! She still isn't showing any actual emotions of sadness and that really hurts me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, it would be obvious to anyone who spoke to me lately that I'm not happy or that something is going on in my life...Even to a stranger. However I can promise you that if you took one look at her, you'd have no idea.
I find it almost insulting that she can be that light about everything.....We were so close, we loved each other so much and even had bloody marriage in our heads....How can she not feel any loss over this?
I think for these reasons, and the fact that I still love her, is gonna be why I'll find it so hard to remain in this cupboard and stay sane. I should make a break for it, leave and find somewhere else....But I have my dog that I don't want to leave and as mad as it sounds, my life that I made....I will miss it.

Jesus I thought this blog stuff was supposed to make me feel better...It's depressing the Hell outta me!!!!