Sunday, February 10, 2008

Good Girl who...?

Why....Hello there....Remember me?

Many things have happened since my last desperate post. I have just read it back to remind myself how much I had told and where I had to start off from....Wow....Things were murky!
It's always nice to see just how things DO get better when you feel like you're at your lowest ebb. I certainly did then, even though I knew they would get better. At the time however I mistook my optimism for just refusing to face up to how bad things were getting. Now I think that I just knew that things would be ok....I was right!

My bike sold....Got more than I paid for it in the first place which is ALWAYS a good thing! The money from the sale came just at the right time as I still wasn't working daily. When I got the cash I put the bulk of it in the bank and put enough in to pay my monthly bills for a while. Then I went out and got Christmas presents for people.
Between the bike money and the megre wage I was receiving, I was getting by financially. My rugby captain had let me stay in her flat for a few weeks, she was so lovely!
In my last post I mentioned the friend who had a spare room and was going to speak to his son about my moving in as the lodger. Well he spoke to him and on New Years Day, with a slight hang over, I moved in! I'll get to that bit in a sec...

Christmas came and went. It was fairly uneventful; just the way I like it. I woke up Christmas morning in my mates flat, took the dog for a wee, then went for a run....I LOVED it! It was raining, but the town was so quiet. I stuck the Ipod on and just went for it...Received a few odd looks from people, probably wondering what the Hell I was doing running in the rain on a day especially reserved for vegging out, but It was somewhat liberating. After that I had a shower then spent the day at my sisters. Christmas for me nowadays is primarily about my two nephews. One is 2 and the other is almost a year old. I managed to get through a whole book whilst I was there too....Perfect day! lol

New Years was the general generic p**s up, with the house move the next day.

Good Girl, Getting Worse...Welcome to Hertfordshire!

As I said above Mr L (New name for Landlord), spoke to his son and it was agreed that I could move in. I've been here ever since and things are going ok. I am still not working as much as I'd like to. The last thing I think I had said on the work front was that I was driving lorries with an agency so that as soon as the Police decided to let me in, I could go straight over.

AT LAST....Things are coming together! After much perseverence I finally got myself a start date!!!

17th March.....Vetting pending, I will be starting my new job!

I'm a bit worried about the vetting, I've never done anything wrong, but until I get that final offer I'm not relaxing one little bit!

So things are on the up.....I'm very excited about the Police, but I will write about that in a different blog. I'll also write more about the new place as that isn't as straight forward as you'd blog however is long enough!

Speak soon!


Monday, December 17, 2007

When so much at happens at once....

Phew....The last week has been mad!

It was my birthday last Thursday and I am not exaggerating when I say that it was the worst one I've had.

I'm not sleeping in the cupboard anymore, in fact I'm not even in the house anymore...sigh...

Wednesday night all hell was let loose when we had a major row and she wanted me out then and there. Where was I to go? She wasn't concerned about that....OUT!

That night I was preparing myself to sleep in my car, an old ex wouldn't allow that and she offered her house for the night. I will be forever amazed and in debt to her, someone who I thought would be the last person to be there for me, was the first....That means a lot to me.

After that my rugby captain offered her flat to me for the weekend which again was a great help. I am still in the process of selling my bike, so until I get the money from that (still has 3 days to go on Ebay) I have to live from day to day seeking refuge from my rugby mates!

Another friend of mine has potentially got a place for me to live, however his son stays there 2 weekends out of every month so he wants to ask him how he feels about it before saying yes to me. Also he will be having inlaws over for Xmas and New Years so the room wouldn't be open to me until next year. So...I'm homeless!

The Police have slashed their induction places, I was told that I have a possible 6-12 month wait on my start date....BIG bummer for me because I'm ready to get stuck in, I need something to focus on! So I'm still driving lorries, however my agency was based in Kent, I haven't worked since Thursday last week and I'm worried about money, especially with Xmas. So....I'm jobless!

For so long (about a year now) I've used the analogy of having this light at the end of a tunnel....All my goals where there, just a little out of reach. I kept going because I knew that soon, I'd be able to grab them all and get on with a great life. I have SO much potential that I'm looking forward to fufilling, I just needed to wait a little bit longer. A year on and I'm no further...If anything, I'm behind.

I know I'm a victim of my own circumstance and that It is very easy to feel sorry for myself with what's going on, and I know that my goals, that light at the end of that tunnel will be in reach one day....But that "one day" is painfully close whilst being painfully far away. Running out of optimism and patience.

So it's Monday, I am moping around with my life because I have nothing else to do.......

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

BBC Radio One....Getting it right...

STOP PRESS!!! Did you ever think that one could put "BBC" and "Getting it right" in the same sentence?????

In the past I have not been a great fan of the BBC, especially with their judgemental prejudice towards the news in general and the British Police Force...However.....Asides from that (a long and political story of which I refuse to weigh my blog down with)....I do love listening to their radio station. Particularly on Saturday just gone....

Usually from Monday to Friday, If I can, I tune into Radio One to listen to the Chris Moyles show. Some might say that I'm a little obsessed with the team that present that show as I made a point to find out more about them and what they looked like....You know what it's like, you get an image of someone after listening to them for so long...I had to know!!

Anyway......If I play a rugby match on Sunday, I will have Monday off, which means I miss a show as I'm not up that early on a day off! This means that I have to work on the Saturday to make up for the lost day.
I was driving a lorry on Saturday, I got sent to Coventry, which from Kent is a good 3.5 hours away and that's without loads of traffic!
So you can imagine...I have the radio on and with Chris Moyles not on on a Saturday morning, I don't feel obliged to listen to that station all day!

Here the rant begins..................

BBC Radio One are the only bright sparks, sharp knives, brainy people to NOT have the news playing "On the hour, every hour"....And for this I thank them and will forever be a loyal listener!

Can you imagine how bloody dire it is when 7,8,9,10...etc hits and EVERY radio station reports the same news stories? My word!!! Though clever old Radio One are the ONLY station to still be playing music.....Their news broadcasts are at half past every hour!! GENIOUS!!!!! I love it and them...Keep it up guys!!!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Square plates....

This post doesn't actually have much at all to do with square plates....Apart from me just mentioning that I don't like them.

I was watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares the other night and I have found, through watching a few of them, that almost EVERYONE has these square plates.
Now to me....Square plates (or any other shape for that matter) scream "I'm different" and modern, and that the food placed on them must be different & modern too! If the likes of Ramsey served me a dish on a square plate, I wouldn't think any of it. It would almost match the standard of what I was expecting. However these everyday Joe's in their dingy, manky pubs serving up their "delights" on their SQUARE PLATES!!!!!!!!!! Do they think that the shape of the plate makes the meal any bloody better???????????????????

For any wannabe cooks out there with any shaped plate other than round, how about concentrating on the food that goes on the thing first! If you have mastered the art of cooking, then you can have any shape plate you want!!!!!

************************************RANT OVER************************************

Not the best day today.....Got up, fine. Went to work, fine. Did a days work, fine. Got home....S**t hits the fan. I'm sorry but It's going to be another blog involving Ms S....Trust me, when I've moved out of the house, I will be able to get her away and out of my life. Until then however her and her heartless ways will keep being moaned about!

It's not been that long since the split, but it's been long enough that we've reached this balance of being able to live around each other and getting on quite well.
Now it's very important to understand here that I DO NOT WANT HER BACK NOR DO I HAVE ANY OTHER FEELINGS FOR HER...AT ALL!

Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page....

So as I said in the last blog, we're getting on alright. Pretty much how we were before except no partner-ish things going on, you know like kisses, hugs etc.

This is where I may need some feedback because it is obviously a hurdle I'm falling down at...She has emersed herself into the internet lesbian scene...and then some. I don't think she's seeing anyone, and if she is I'd come to terms with it. However she's ALWAYS on her laptop now, always getting texts and out tonight getting her nails done!!!! None of the above has she done before or for any major period of time. Now rightly or wrongly I feel a bit put out by this. I mean I'm still living under her roof for God's sake and we're both still going through a break-up when things are raw! It hurts! Is that inreasonable of me?

I don't like all this rubbing my nose in it, I know we don't love each other now, but at one time we did and that love doesn't go away over night......And when the person you loved is now seemingly having this wickedly happy life without you, it's not so nice! What's worse is that I have to watch her be so happy and getting all these texts and emails....If I wasn't here I wouldn't know and wouldn't care!

Now she can't see this and says quite simply that it just isn't any of my business and I should stop being so childish.....She is so cold and harsh! It's really upsetting!

I have never wanted to be out of this house more than I do now! I wish so much to be able to pack up my things and go, leave it all behind me. It's got to the point now where the things I thought I'd miss before, I won't now because I want out so badly!

I can't believe that the woman I fell so deeply and heavily in love with, has turned into this heartless cold and uncaring person that I now live with. THAT I think, hurts more than anything else!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I knew I couldn't commit!

What was it I said in one of my blogs......I am rubbish at committing to anything and I bet I don't keep this blog malarky up!! How right I was......However I realised that it has nothing to do with commitment; I'm just too ruddy lazy to be bothered! lol

So what's been going on in the life of GGGB since we last spoke?

Quite a bit I reckon.......

I'm still sleeping in the cupboard (for those of you that don't know, no I'm not actually in a cupboard, I'm not Harry Potter. It is how I refer to the box room that I have been demoted to).
However in the couple of weeks that I have been in here, I am definitely sleeping better and I have space, which I never knew I missed!
Ms S and I still as we were, as in we've still split up, but we're getting on very well considering. She's working, I'm working and most weekends I'm away in Essex playing Rugby or staying with friends. It's obvious that she wants me out of the house soon, I mean I'm not paying rent so I'm not in any rush but I want out soon too!

I'm one for planning me....I love it when I have a plan and when that plan is feasible, I love it even more and almost get excited about the possible outcome of it. Moving out is definitely the plan, but there are so many other factors that make that a little more complicated than you would imagine.
Money is obviously a factor, I mean I'm not paying rent here but I'm still struggling. You may think that's mad as I'm not earning a bad wage. It's just because I'm getting paid weekly and that does me in. Soon though I will be getting paid monthly again and then all "should" be well.
Ms S and I bought a German Shepherd when we first moved in together. She can't cope with him when I go and I would miss him anyway, so it's been decided that I should take him! I'm very happy with that, but is makes finding somewhere to live a tad harder. Before I moved in with Ms S I was in a house share in Essex, I was very happy there, but I know that there aren't many, if there are any houses that would be prepared to home both me and the dog. Apart from that, I am 24 and very much wanting my own place now you know?
So It seems that I need to look for a one bedroom flat....I can't get a mortgage so renting is the way to go. I need to save as much as I can, but I'm rubbish at that.......Sell sell sell!

I have a motorbike.....My pride and joy.....Alas It's time for me to grow up and get my priorities straight....The bike must go!

I reckon I's get a decent wedge for it, definitely over a grand and that would get me a deposit and on the way to first months rent.

Location is an issue.....I don't know where I'm going to be posted when my training finishes in my new job. I'd hate to get settled and then find that I need to move again. So my plan has substance, but like I said; there are factors that at the moment are beyond my control. Selling the bike has to be job one though.

I feel very mature!!!!! I'm looking forward to having my own place around my Essex friends again. I can always get a bike when I'm settled!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The day after the night before....

I hate having a plan, having every intention of sticking to that plan, then someone else ruining it. If I ruin it, that's fine, and it would probably just be down to procrastination.....But when it's out of your hands....It's even more frustrating!

Yesterday, I stopped blogging so that I could go to the gym....Plus Ms S was irritating me, so it seemed wise to get myself out of the situation.

The gym was alright....Definitely glad I went although I didn't have my contact lenses in, which normally isn't a problem as I generally just stick the Ipod in and ignore everyone. However there were definitely lesbians in there yesterday and I couldn't look without squinting and that would have made me look weird...Shame.

I feel really drained this morning....Last night was a really hard night...More rows with Ms S, resulting in me kicking a box of wine bottles and seriously bruising my big toe. I'm going to try the gym again soon so I'll see how it is.
I'm in the lodgers old room now, or as I like to call it, the cupboard. I don't really know how I feel about it....Obviously sad is gonna be the general idea, but regretful is probably more on the mark. I was thinking about when we first met, and how things were, how I felt. I didn't even realise when it all started to change....It just did! She still isn't showing any actual emotions of sadness and that really hurts me. I wear my heart on my sleeve, it would be obvious to anyone who spoke to me lately that I'm not happy or that something is going on in my life...Even to a stranger. However I can promise you that if you took one look at her, you'd have no idea.
I find it almost insulting that she can be that light about everything.....We were so close, we loved each other so much and even had bloody marriage in our heads....How can she not feel any loss over this?
I think for these reasons, and the fact that I still love her, is gonna be why I'll find it so hard to remain in this cupboard and stay sane. I should make a break for it, leave and find somewhere else....But I have my dog that I don't want to leave and as mad as it sounds, my life that I made....I will miss it.

Jesus I thought this blog stuff was supposed to make me feel better...It's depressing the Hell outta me!!!!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Blogging relentlessly....Looking for something to write about!

I'm liking this blog thing...How long do you think that'll last though? I can't even commit to taking vitamins daily never mind something like this.

One of the lodgers is moving his stuff out of his room today.....Guess where I'll be sleeping for the forseeable future????

When Ms S goes out, I feel like I'm over it all and I resemble some state of happiness....Then she comes home again.....

Our lodger (not the one that's moving out) is great. He's out at the moment looking to buy a new car, and I can't wait for him to come home so I can take the p**s out of him. That sounds really nasty but wait for it.........He's gone out in his banged up, rusting Escort with a decent amount of money in his account to purchase a respectable replacement. He's been looking forward to this weekend for a while because it's his "looking for new cars" weekend. He's just rang us to ask us to pick him up as his old car has just broken down!!! How funny is THAT????

I came back downstairs after stupidly limiting myself to the coldest room in the house (See previous post if this makes no sense). Ms S has gone to pick the Artful Lodger up so I took the opportunity to move. I really need to go to the gym to be honest....I'm procrastinating!!! I'm sure however when she shows her face I will up sticks and get the hell out of here! It's just so cold. If things were normal, I'd be using her car and driving to the gym as I only have my motorbike at the moment....Would it be really cheeky if I asked for the car????


Ahhhhh.......Ms S came back!!!!

I hate having rows...Which some might not believe as I do it so well, I'm not even that practiced at it believe it or not.

Nothing much was said, apart from myself issuing a few grunts to general questions she was asking...." Have you fed the cat?" being one of them.

When this whole breaking up thing kicked-off yesterday, I was adamant that I wouldn't lose my temper or start a row. However I wanted something you know, some sort of exchange?

She spent the best part of the day texting (great way to dump your live-in partner) reasons why we shouldn't be together and how much she DOESN'T love me anymore. Ouch....Sufficed to say that it really ruined my day.

So I battle on anyway, get work over with so that we can maybe talk when we both get home....I mean come on....The text method couldn't have been all I was gonna get surely?

Well apparently I was wrong.....Ms S has this great way of acting like everything is normal when in fact, it's far from it. I mean I'm a little hurt and damaged by this time and when I don't respond to her "normalness" like she wanted, it all kicks off! I'm hurt...REALLY hurt and she's walking around, acting like nothing is wrong and life is good. I got mad!

Thats's when she walked out to stay with her mates. So I never got the chat...I just got to stew in all that had gone on and cry.

But what does that chat consist of when it happens....Is it something that I even wanna hear?? Now at this stage unless it's "Baby what a fool I've been, lets sort it all out", I don't wanna know!

She's doing it now!!!!!!!!!! Argh it makes me so mad! She's walking around the house like all is well and she doesn't care that she's just destoyed everything!!! I don't get it!!!

I'm really stupid......You know when you have a row and one of you walks off? Well I'm generally the one that storms off.....However I'm like the stupid horror movie victim that runs upstairs instead of out the front door. I walk off into the bedroom or bathroom generally and when I get there I'm like, what do I do now? I can't go back downstairs because that would ruin the effect of storming off in the first place....But now I'm upstairs and I'm getting bored already and they're downstairs with the TV, DVD, Xbox, Wii and FOOD...B****r!

Blog virgin.

I've just noticed how hard it is to type a sentence without putting a space inbetween the words.
In setting up this blog, I had to write the link (or whatever it is) so people can find it. I had to write "Good Girl, Getting worse" with no spaces......It was harder than you may think. Try it.....

....See...I bet you naturally pressed the spacebar didn't you?

I'm afraid that the purpose of this whole blogging deal is for nothing more than to filter out what's going on in my own head. However if I manage to entertain those of you that are sad enough to read this (kidding), then I've reached someone.

I'm starting with the Police very soon.....It's all very complicated because I went in, then back out due to problems with my pelvis (explain later). A good friend of mine has a crafty Police Officers' blog which I think is a great way to deal with being a Police Officer. All the crazy, sometimes hard things they deal with needs filing somehow eh? I know the Police Service frown upon it, but done and seen in the right light, it can be harmless. Well anyway, that was my plan too....When I get properly in and stay in (any day now), I was going to start this blog and enthrall you all with my day to day life as a brand new Police Officer.

Well......It didn't quite work out that way.....Other things have happened in my life which has made me want to start blogging earlier.

First of all.....Let me introduce myself....

My name is Good Girl (didn't think I was gonna give my real name did you)? I live in Chatham, Kent. Have only been here since July and already I think I will be going back to Essex soon.
I live with (now here's where it gets complicated) my ex, housemate, 3 dogs and a kitten. There is also my pet mouse somwhere but she escaped the cage some time ago and it's likely the kitten or dogs got her, but I'll include her anyway as she's family. :-)

Yeah you read right, I live with my ex! I was up until about 21 hours ago, going out and living with, my partner (we'll call her Ms S) but she decided that she wasn't happy and that I should really be single. Don't you just hate it when people make that decision for you??
Of course I protested...Quite a lot actually....Alas it made no difference and she went to stay with friends for the night. It's 1223 and she's still not back...Hey Ho!

I don't like being single.....But oddly enough I evidentally don't like being in a relationship either....What do I like then?

How does it all work? I was walking around yesterday and saw these middle-aged women, in their 4x4's with "baby on board" in the window....Looking perfectly contented with their married lives. Then there's me.....I know I'm never gonna do the whole marriage and kids thing, but surely I'm gonna wanna settle down one day??? How do you know when you meet that person? I just can't see it....Answers on a postcard.

Hmm.....If I'm not careful I'm gonna bore my audience before I've even gotten anywhere....I could go on for ages!!! Do I just type on and on and on or stop somewhere?

Lets stop for now.......